schizophrenia recovery: without medication

until December...

2009-10-29T03:08:00.002+09:00

I decided not to return to this blog until December. I am transitioning right now. I am writing each day, studying a new language, and have other aspects of my life to focus upon...I also want to reflect on my previous writings...Thank you for paying attention.

transitioning

2009-10-19T03:31:00.007+10:00

Last week one night my husband woke me up again, tho I was asleep, then I took pills. I stayed awake after taking 20 milligrams Aripiprazole, 10 milligrams Fleuphenazine, 2 milligrams Benztropine Milate. All other nights last week I slept without waking.

My mood upon waking all other days was o.k. or good.

I xercised all days, as decided (by me), but two.

I am transitioning to a new city.

I am eating irregularly because I have been here for only a couple weeks. I will not weigh my body for awhile (7 more months).

"...Haldol, Prolixin [Fleuphenazine], and Risperdal...can cause permanent, severe impairments of brain function." (p. 27)

from Your Drug May Be Your Problem, by Peter R. Breggin, M.D., and David Cohen, Ph.D. (1999)

Cogentin -- Tardive Diskenesia

2009-10-10T15:20:00.002+10:00

coming off temazapam (a "benzo")...A little hyper: 30 milligrams of Apiprazole in a.m.; 10 milligrams Apiprazole in p.m.; 10 milligrams fluephenazine in p.m.; 2 milligrams Cogentin (benzotropine mesililite --) in p.m.
I fell asleep in early evening -- My busband woke me up to take aforementioned pills -- Now I cannot sleep...
I took the pills; got a little hyper--
Does Cogentin make a person hyper? The Apiprazole makes me hyper and tired, dizzy and faint in at the same time...It also leads to premature death if taken when a person is old (older than me).
I did/do not want to take cogentin at all!
I want Cogentin to be off the list of drugs to take...

I was put on Cogentin due to showing signs of tardive diskenesia

I never wanted to take cogentin

My husband woke me up two times this past week to take pills -- ironic --- they were given to me originally to put me into a sick,dreamless sleep.

violent rapists, killers...

2009-04-24T02:57:00.007+10:00

One night i was out with a male i went out with (said 'steady' -- who knows? -- he proposed) --i went back to his apartment with him -- i went back to his apartment with him -- we were in bed undressed. i thought we were going to have sex.--.
we were not...

he turned me over on my stomach. he pinned my hands (using wrists) down on his futon ...he somehow shoved my face into his pillow at the same time... ( i cood not breathe..)
he then raped me.

he still exists...
(he was already a convicted felon for cocaine dealing, terrified of being locked up anywhere.)

(i think, he is a serial rapist.)

i know he is a sociopath.

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GAIN 100 LBS. WITH ZYPREXA!

2009-04-14T13:03:00.002+10:00

In 2000-2001, i was forced to go on ZYPREXA, in USSA. It was completely forced upon me by a doctor from another country, who had obviously recently moved to USSA. I did not want to take it. doctor had big drooling dog under desk, when she lied to me that it was only that i was eating too much food, not ZYPREXA. ZYPREXA, changed my metabolism, sent me from 105 lbs. - 208 lbs.

ZYPREXA : it is a known fact that ZYPREXA has side effects. My personal experience is that it caused me to go from a size 4 (USSA) to a size 16 (USSA). It is very expensive to change clothes sizes to such a big size, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and in other ways, as well.

Changing size can also means that the anger is being imposed on a person by angry psycholiatric drug companies. The anger of the pills enters into your body, making you fat, which some people who are angry at skinny people, mostly fatter people with cellulite (usually), get real excited and happy about, making them happyhappyhappy.....

There are size 0 women in USSA who don't have to take ZYPREXA.....I was told by someone who DECIDED the diagnosis given to me, "Your problem is that you were too skinny."

walk to little store

2009-04-14T12:45:00.004+10:00

Today i go out to the little store to buy two cigarette boxes. Intended to stop smoking cigarettes in Mar, but(t) was not able. Will not attempt again anytime in near future. Still, that is ok. Three quarters thru Mar 2009, I had decided: meditate 5 min., 10 pushups, 20 situps, walk 20 minutes to start....my exercise and meditation idea was interrupted....

At end of Mar 2009, intended to stop smoking naturally...

Meant to begin bicycling end of Apr 2009....

doing okay

2009-03-15T17:01:00.001+09:00

It's Sunday again. I'm doing okay. I started to "freewrite" for 5 minutes a day last Monday. I wound up writing something else a result, about the term "battered woman". I weigh 162 lbs. I didn't begin to walk, etc. last week. I am still taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning.

Mar 2009

back in eastern europe

2009-03-07T16:08:00.000+09:00

I returned to Eastern Europe on February 6, 2009. I was somewhat more overweight. I have since lost that weight and am now back down to 158 lbs. I have had a harder time adjusting to being back. I feel like I would like to be doing something more and have been researching what that may be. I have yet to begin walking, meditating and saying affirmations again. I plan to begin again on Monday. Most of the winter I had a bad cough which prevented the walking. I plan to walk 20 minutes, do situps and pushups and meditate beginning with 5 minutes a day. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings.

back in the "USSA"

2008-12-11T10:56:00.000+09:00

It is good to be back in the USSA. I spent last night in O'Hare airport due to a canceled flight (snow). I am currently reading "Mad in America", a book that is shocking and enlightening to me, about which I will write more later. I am also reading "Skinny Bitch" which makes a good case for becoming not just vegetarian, but vegan. I had been considering returning to being a vegetarian when this book was passed on to me, but was ambivalent. Tonight I couldn't eat my meatball due to the impact of this book.

traveling

2008-12-09T17:10:00.002+09:00

I am leaving today to return to the United States for two months. I am currently in Eastern Europe. I am not certain whether I'll be writing in my blog for those two months. Likely not, but possibly. I return on February 5. I plan to walk, meditate, and say affirmations while I am in the United States. I will be taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning while there. I will be in Florida for the month of January. If my walking has gone well, I plan to run on the beach while in Florida. My sleeping in the last two weeks has decreased to between 8 and 9 hours a night, a big decrease from when I began this blog. My weight has increased to 158 lbs. I will attempt to lose 6 lbs. by January 1 (2 lbs a week). I am also considering giving up sugar and white flour at the New Year. Well, that's all for now.

smoking cigarettes

2008-12-07T02:05:00.003+09:00

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I'd tried during the month of October to stop smoking. I have smoked almost continuously since I was 19 years old. That's 24 years of smoking. I want badly to stop, but apparently I'm more accustomed to my addiction.

I thought about what the causes of my smoking are during and after trying to stop and came up with some strange ideas as to why. I thought, perhaps, every time I breathe in the smoke, I'm breathing in my own anger. [I know today this is not true.] I did realise that I had been very angry since beginning to smoke more than 1/2 pack a day.

I saw the smoking as an expression of that anger directed at myself (also at those who love and care about me and would prefer that I not contract a life-threatening illness from the smoking). I realise that this is a bit of an odd conjecture, but it made some sense to me, so I attempted to reassess my smoking habit with this in mind.

In order to deal with this possible realisation, I looked up some info on anger and came up with two good sites. If you deal with anger as an issue perhaps they will be of use to you.

A Guide to Psychology and Its Practice: Anger

Overcome Anger and Aggression

This is merely a theory regarding my smoking cigarettes. I have another theory, as well, gleaned from the "How to Love Yourself" CD by Louise Hay which I recently acquired. (I do plan to discuss this CD further in a later post.) In it, at one point, Louise Hay says, "You don't have to earn love. You don't have to earn the right to breathe."

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I thought upon hearing this, how I am almost eagerly proving otherwise in my life by smoking cigarettes habitually. I am not allowing myself the right to breathe. I am making myself earn that right by the difficult act of stopping smoking.

Anger can come into play here, as there is the anger at feeling that one does have to "earn love" or "earn the right to breathe".

I want to attempt to overcome these issues and stop smoking. I think that understanding cause and effect can only be of assistance here.

Would anyone like to share their story of stopping smoking? Or of why they think they continue to smoke?
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Romantic Cigarettes

Cigarettes are o.k. Cigarettes are even beautiful. Cigarettes are. Cigarettes are romantic. Take one out and read a book, take one out and type, take one out and write!

Cigarettes can protect a female or a male from unwanted advances and/or incidents. My cigarette, my friend...

Smoke a romantic cigarette!

bad news for 'schizophrenics' and women smokers

2008-12-07T01:22:00.000+09:00

There is bad news about the increased mortality rate for 'schizophrenics'. Who knows how much of this could be caused by the drugs administered...See Mortality Gap Seen In Schizophrenia

There is, also, possibly related (because many 'schizophrenics' smoke), bad news for women smokers. Lifespan decreases by over 14 years for women who smoke. See Women Smokers Lose 14.5 Years Off Lifespan

Sorry I don't have stats for male smokers.

I will be writing more about smoking soon, as someone who recently spent an entire month trying to stop smoking. I think that I learned some things about myself and smoking in the process.

you can heal your life by louise hay

2008-12-06T19:15:00.001+09:00

Here are some videos of a presentation by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. The presentation, in twelve parts, is quite illuminating. I encourage you to do the exercises she suggests, which amount to writing things down on paper and using mirror work, as they can provide valuable insights into the way one thinks and behaves based on those thoughts and beliefs.

You Can Heal Your Life, Part I

You Can Heal Your Life, Part II

You Can Heal Your Life, Part III

You Can Heal Your Life, Part IV

You Can Heal Your Life, Part V

You Can Heal Your Life, Part VI

You Can Heal Your Life, Part VII

You Can Heal Your Life, Part VIII

You Can Heal Your Life, Part IX

You Can Heal Your Life, Part X

You Can Heal Your Life, Part XI

You Can Heal Your Life, Part XII

I went through these videos some months ago, before starting this blog. Now I am doing so again and finding that my issues and answers to questions have changed! A whole new set of information to work through. It is very interesting what one will come up with when answering the questions posed by Louise Hay. It may seem like a lot of work, but well worth it, I think.

a new genetic theory of schizophrenia

2008-11-22T20:37:00.001+09:00

Here is an article discussing a new genetic theory regarding schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and autism. I think it is a good idea to keep abreast of the latest developments.

In a Novel Theory of Mental Disorders, Parent's Genes are in Competition

At the same time, you may wish to refer to a previous post of mine which questions genetic theory of schizophrenia. Objections to Genetic Theory of Schizophrenia

There are, of course, widely divergent ideas concerning genes and schizophrenia. In the absence of biological proof of what exactly 'schizophrenia' is, I tend to favor the "Objections", but still consider it wise to follow what those who believe in a clear genetic link are pursuing as 'proof'.

away from my blog

2008-11-14T16:38:00.001+09:00

Hello. I've been away from my blog for over a month now, so wanted to check in and let you know what's been going on. I haven't been meditating or saying affirmations or exercising during this time. I have been keeping track of the hours I sleep and my weight. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings. My mood has been mostly okay. My sleep has ranged from an average of 10 hours a week to 11.7 hours a week. My weight has ranged from 146.7 lbs. to 154.7 lbs. I reached my goal weight for October 1 of 150 lbs. My weight last weekend was 150.2 lbs. My sleep average last week was 10 hours. I plan to start blogging again soon. I have some articles to share with you. During the month of October I was mostly trying to stop smoking. I tried to stop nearly every day and was unable, so this month I am just accepting that, for now, I am a smoker. October 1 was my goal for stopping smoking. Looking forward to sharing more with you in the coming months.

a week's progress

2008-10-06T19:57:00.000+10:00

This past week I meditated and said affirmations three times.

medication: continued taking 5 mg. Abilify
sleep: average 11.7 hrs.
exercise: walked two times
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 150.7 lbs.
mood: ok all mornings upon rising

a week's progress

2008-09-28T18:59:00.001+10:00

This past week I meditated and said affirmations once. I slept more. I didn't exercise. I was depressed a couple of days.

medication: continued taking 5 mg Abilify in the morning
sleep: slept an average of 11.4 hrs. a night
exercise: no exercise
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 147.6 lbs.
mood: anxious one morning, ok all other mornings

a week's progress

2008-09-21T20:51:00.001+10:00

I meditated and said affirmations one day this past week. I didn't exercise at all. I quit drinking coffee, which made me more sleepy. I slept more. I was also depressed and unmotivated. I wondered if this was due to decreasing the drugs. I really think that I'm just getting more aware off of the drugs, and this awareness is bringing with it a depression. Today I feel better. I'm hopeful that I can change some of these patterns around next week.

medication: continued 5 mg. Abilify in the mornings
sleep: average 11.1 hrs. sleep per night
exercise: no exercise
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 150 lbs.
mood: ok all mornings upon rising

a week's progress

2008-09-14T14:59:00.002+10:00

I didn't meditate or say affirmations this past week. My lymph nodes went down in size, though. They are almost gone. I didn't exercise very much, either.

last week --

medication: 5 mg. Abilify in the morning
sleep: 9.4 hrs. sleep a night on average
exercise: lifted weights one day
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 147.8 lbs.
mood: anxious 2 days, ok all other days

a week's progress

2008-09-07T15:01:00.001+10:00

This past week, I continued meditation, 1 time a day, for 20 minutes, affirmations, 1-2 times a day, gratitude lists, before bed, and my dream journal. I didn't exercise at all, which is rare, but plan to continue next week with exercise. My lymph node swelling decreased yesterday and today, with lots of good sleep. My sleep became less restless as the week progressed.

last week's progress --

medication: decreased to 5 mg. Abilify in the morning
sleep: 10.1 hrs. per night average
exercise: no exercise
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 152.7 lbs.
mood: ok each day upon waking

Here is a good site to check out for info on schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders:
The International Society for the Psychological Treatments of the Schizophrenias and Other Psychoses

lymph nodes

2008-09-06T20:22:00.000+10:00

I noticed three enlarged lymph nodes in my body since cutting down the medication. I also had a slight fever yesterday. The lymph nodes have gotten a bit smaller since yesterday. Perhaps these are symptoms of withdrawal from the medication.

reduction in medication

2008-09-05T21:03:00.000+10:00

On September 2, I reduced my medication to 5 mg. Abilify in the mornings. I just cut the 10 mg. Abilify in half, then take half. I have had restless sleep since then and greater fatigue in the daytime, leading to 1 hr. naps. I am very happy about the reduction, however. I decided to go ahead with my original plan, from 15 to 10 to 5 mg. to 0. Though the advice I've read suggests cutting back by between 2% and 20%, I decided to go on with my cutting back of 33% of the original dose. This is, in part, due to the ease with which you can do this. Abilify is available in 5 mg., 10 mg., and 15 mg., so there is no liquid titration involved, which is the method that must be used if one decides to reduce between 2% and 20%. So far, other than a little restless sleep and slight fatigue, I've had no real withdrawal pains. Onward!

a week's progress, a good site

2008-08-31T16:13:00.002+10:00

I continued this past week meditation 1-2 times a day, 20 minutes at a time, affirmations, 2-3 times per day, gratitude list at night, and dream journal in the mornings.

past week's progress --

medication: continued taking 10 mg Abilify in the morning
sleep: average 10.6 hrs. a night
exercise: walked 3 days, lifted weights 1 day. doubled walking time from 20 to 40 minutes
diet: ate when hungry
weight: 155 lbs.
mood: ok all days, happy one day

a week's progress, objections to genetic theory of 'schizophrenia'

2008-08-24T14:37:00.001+10:00

This past week I continued meditation, once a day for 20 minutes, affirmations, 2-3 times a day, and my dream journal. Some nights I did a gratitude list. I smoked 15-20 cigarettes a day. I drank one cup of coffee a day.

last week's progress--

medication: continued taking one 10 mg Abilify in the mornings
sleep: averaged 9.6 hrs. a night
exercise: walked 3 days, lifted weights one day
diet: decided to eat when hungry, stop when full
weight: 158 lbs.
mood: ok all mornings, but one down, one anxious

I've noticed that before I have had an 'episode' or extreme states of mind after I stopped taking medications in the past I have become obsessed with someone or something. I remembered a psychologist I had in 1986, before I had trauma, suggesting I may have OCD,
so I looked into that to see if it may be a problem. I have concluded that I don't have that, as I don't really have the ritualized behavior that goes along with that, though I do have recurrent obsessions. I talked with my husband about getting therapy for this, but we decided that he will continue to act as my 'therapist' for now. It is good, however, to recognize that obsession often precedes a psychotic break for me.

There are various problems with many accepted genetic studies of 'schizophrenia'. While genes have often been implicated in 'schizophrenia', there is controversy as to whether this is a genetic 'illness' or not. Some say genes combined with environment is the cause; some say environment alone is the cause. Often it is said that genes merely provide a predisposition to 'schizophrenia'. The studies are not definitive, it turns out.

a week's progress

2008-08-17T15:52:00.000+10:00

This past week I continued meditation, twice a day, 20 minutes at a time, affirmations, 3 times a day, and my dream journal. Most nights I said my gratitude list. I smoked between 15-20 cigarettes a day. I drank one cup of coffee a day.

the week's progress --

medication: I continued taking 10 mg Abilify in the mornings
sleep: average 9.3 hrs a night, two nights restless sleep
exercise: walked 2 days, ran 1 day, lifted weights one day
diet: ate 4 meals a day
weight: 157.7 lbs
mood: ok all days upon rising

I need to exercise more, but it has been very hot here. I also have plans to quit drinking coffee.