raped

One night i was out with a male i went out with --i went back to his apartment with him -- we were in bed undressed. i thought we were going to have sex.--.

we were not...

he turned me over on my stomach. he pinned my hands (using wrists) down on his futon ...he somehow shoved my face into his pillow at the same time... ( i could not breathe..)
he then raped me.

GAIN 100 LBS. WITH ZYPREXA!

In 2000-2001, i was forced to go on ZYPREXA, in USSA. It was completely forced upon me by a doctor from another country. I did not want to take it. doctor had big drooling dog under desk, when she lied to me that it was only that i was eating too much food, not ZYPREXA. ZYPREXA, changed my metabolism, sent me from 105 lbs. - 208 lbs.

ZYPREXA : it is a known fact that ZYPREXA has side effects. My personal experience is that it caused me to go from a size 4 (USSA) to a size 16 (USSA). It is very expensive to change clothes sizes to such a big size, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and in other ways, as well.

There are size 0 women in USSA who don't have to take ZYPREXA.....I was told by someone who DECIDED the diagnosis given to me, "Your problem is that you were too skinny."

walk to little store

Today i go out to the little store to buy two cigarette boxes. Intended to stop smoking cigarettes in Mar, but(t) was not able. Will not attempt again anytime in near future. Still, that is ok. Three quarters thru Mar 2009, I had decided: meditate 5 min., 10 pushups, 20 situps, walk 20 minutes to start....my exercise and meditation idea was interrupted....

At end of Mar 2009, intended to stop smoking naturally...

Meant to begin bicycling end of Apr 2009....

doing okay

It's Sunday again. I'm doing okay. I started to "freewrite" for 5 minutes a day last Monday. I wound up writing something else a result, about the term "battered woman". I weigh 162 lbs. I didn't begin to walk, etc. last week. I am still taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning.


Mar 2009

back in europe

I returned to Europe on February 6, 2009. I was somewhat more overweight. I have since lost that weight and am now back down to 158 lbs. I have had a harder time adjusting to being back. I feel like I would like to be doing something more and have been researching what that may be. I have yet to begin walking, meditating and saying affirmations again. I plan to begin again on Monday. Most of the winter I had a bad cough which prevented the walking. I plan to walk 20 minutes, do situps and pushups and meditate beginning with 5 minutes a day. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings.

back in the "USSA"

It is good to be back in the USSA. I spent last night in O'Hare airport due to a canceled flight (snow). I am currently reading "Mad in America", a book that is shocking and enlightening to me, about which I will write more later. I am also reading "Skinny Bitch" which makes a good case for becoming not just vegetarian, but vegan. I had been considering returning to being a vegetarian when this book was passed on to me, but was ambivalent. Tonight I couldn't eat my meatball due to the impact of this book.

traveling

I am leaving today to return to the United States for two months. I am currently in Eastern Europe. I am not certain whether I'll be writing in my blog for those two months. Likely not, but possibly. I return on February 5. I plan to walk, meditate, and say affirmations while I am in the United States. I will be taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning while there. I will be in Florida for the month of January. If my walking has gone well, I plan to run on the beach while in Florida. My sleeping in the last two weeks has decreased to between 8 and 9 hours a night, a big decrease from when I began this blog. My weight has increased to 158 lbs. I will attempt to lose 6 lbs. by January 1 (2 lbs a week). I am also considering giving up sugar and white flour at the New Year. Well, that's all for now.

smoking cigarettes

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I'd tried during the month of October to stop smoking. I have smoked almost continuously since I was 19 years old. That's 24 years of smoking. I want badly to stop, but apparently I'm more accustomed to my addiction.

I thought about what the causes of my smoking are during and after trying to stop and came up with some strange ideas as to why. I thought, perhaps, every time I breathe in the smoke, I'm breathing in my own anger. [I know today this is not true.] I did realise that I had been very angry since beginning to smoke more than 1/2 pack a day.

I saw the smoking as an expression of that anger directed at myself (also at those who love and care about me and would prefer that I not contract a life-threatening illness from the smoking). I realise that this is a bit of an odd conjecture, but it made some sense to me, so I attempted to reassess my smoking habit with this in mind.

In order to deal with this possible realisation, I looked up some info on anger and came up with two good sites. If you deal with anger as an issue perhaps they will be of use to you.

A Guide to Psychology and Its Practice: Anger

Overcome Anger and Aggression

This is merely a theory regarding my smoking cigarettes. I have another theory, as well, gleaned from the "How to Love Yourself" CD by Louise Hay which I recently acquired. (I do plan to discuss this CD further in a later post.) In it, at one point, Louise Hay says, "You don't have to earn love. You don't have to earn the right to breathe."

***********************************************

I thought upon hearing this, how I am almost eagerly proving otherwise in my life by smoking cigarettes habitually. I am not allowing myself the right to breathe. I am making myself earn that right by the difficult act of stopping smoking.

Anger can come into play here, as there is the anger at feeling that one does have to "earn love" or "earn the right to breathe".

I want to attempt to overcome these issues and stop smoking. I think that understanding cause and effect can only be of assistance here.

Would anyone like to share their story of stopping smoking? Or of why they think they continue to smoke?
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Romantic Cigarettes

Cigarettes are o.k. Cigarettes are even beautiful. Cigarettes are. Cigarettes are romantic. Take one out and read a book, take one out and type, take one out and write!

Cigarettes can protect a female or a male from unwanted advances and/or incidents. My cigarette, my friend...

Smoke a romantic cigarette!

bad news for 'schizophrenics' and women smokers

There is bad news about the increased mortality rate for 'schizophrenics'. Who knows how much of this could be caused by the drugs administered...See Mortality Gap Seen In Schizophrenia

There is, also, possibly related (because many 'schizophrenics' smoke), bad news for women smokers. Lifespan decreases by over 14 years for women who smoke. See Women Smokers Lose 14.5 Years Off Lifespan

Sorry I don't have stats for male smokers.

I will be writing more about smoking soon, as someone who recently spent an entire month trying to stop smoking. I think that I learned some things about myself and smoking in the process.

you can heal your life by louise hay

Here are some videos of a presentation by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. The presentation, in twelve parts, is quite illuminating. I encourage you to do the exercises she suggests, which amount to writing things down on paper and using mirror work, as they can provide valuable insights into the way one thinks and behaves based on those thoughts and beliefs.

You Can Heal Your Life, Part I


From this video, you can find Part II - Part XII.

I went through these videos some months ago, before starting this blog. Now I am doing so again and finding that my issues and answers to questions have changed! A whole new set of information to work through. It is very interesting what one will come up with when answering the questions posed by Louise Hay. It may seem like a lot of work, but well worth it, I think.

a new genetic theory of schizophrenia

Here is an article discussing a new genetic theory regarding schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and autism. I think it is a good idea to keep abreast of the latest developments.

In a Novel Theory of Mental Disorders, Parent's Genes are in Competition

At the same time, you may wish to refer to a previous post of mine which questions genetic theory of schizophrenia. Objections to Genetic Theory of Schizophrenia

There are, of course, widely divergent ideas concerning genes and schizophrenia. In the absence of biological proof of what exactly 'schizophrenia' is, I tend to favor the "Objections", but still consider it wise to follow what those who believe in a clear genetic link are pursuing as 'proof'.

away from my blog

Hello. I've been away from my blog for over a month now, so wanted to check in and let you know what's been going on. I haven't been meditating or saying affirmations or exercising during this time. I have been keeping track of the hours I sleep and my weight. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings. My mood has been mostly okay. My sleep has ranged from an average of 10 hours a week to 11.7 hours a week. My weight has ranged from 146.7 lbs. to 154.7 lbs. I reached my goal weight for October 1 of 150 lbs. My weight last weekend was 150.2 lbs. My sleep average last week was 10 hours. I plan to start blogging again soon. I have some articles to share with you. During the month of October I was mostly trying to stop smoking. I tried to stop nearly every day and was unable, so this month I am just accepting that, for now, I am a smoker. October 1 was my goal for stopping smoking. Looking forward to sharing more with you in the coming months.

a week's progress

This past week I meditated and said affirmations three times.

• medication: continued taking 5 mg. Abilify
• sleep: average 11.7 hrs.
• exercise: walked two times
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 150.7 lbs.
• mood: ok all mornings upon rising

a week's progress

This past week I meditated and said affirmations once. I slept more. I didn't exercise. I was depressed a couple of days.

• medication: continued taking 5 mg Abilify in the morning
• sleep: slept an average of 11.4 hrs. a night
• exercise: no exercise
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 147.6 lbs.
• mood: anxious one morning, ok all other mornings

a week's progress

I meditated and said affirmations one day this past week. I didn't exercise at all. I quit drinking coffee, which made me more sleepy. I slept more. I was also depressed and unmotivated. I wondered if this was due to decreasing the drugs. I really think that I'm just getting more aware off of the drugs, and this awareness is bringing with it a depression. Today I feel better. I'm hopeful that I can change some of these patterns around next week.

• medication: continued 5 mg. Abilify in the mornings
• sleep: average 11.1 hrs. sleep per night
• exercise: no exercise
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 150 lbs.
• mood: ok all mornings upon rising

a week's progress

I didn't meditate or say affirmations this past week. My lymph nodes went down in size, though. They are almost gone. I didn't exercise very much, either.


last week --

• medication: 5 mg. Abilify in the morning
• sleep: 9.4 hrs. sleep a night on average
• exercise: lifted weights one day
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 147.8 lbs.
• mood: anxious 2 days, ok all other days

a week's progress

This past week, I continued meditation, 1 time a day, for 20 minutes, affirmations, 1-2 times a day, gratitude lists, before bed, and my dream journal. I didn't exercise at all, which is rare, but plan to continue next week with exercise. My lymph node swelling decreased yesterday and today, with lots of good sleep. My sleep became less restless as the week progressed.

last week's progress --

• medication: decreased to 5 mg. Abilify in the morning
• sleep: 10.1 hrs. per night average
• exercise: no exercise
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 152.7 lbs.
• mood: ok each day upon waking

Here is a good site to check out for info on schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders:
The International Society for the Psychological Treatments of the Schizophrenias and Other Psychoses

lymph nodes

I noticed three enlarged lymph nodes in my body since cutting down the medication. I also had a slight fever yesterday. The lymph nodes have gotten a bit smaller since yesterday. Perhaps these are symptoms of withdrawal from the medication.

reduction in medication

On September 2, I reduced my medication to 5 mg. Abilify in the mornings. I just cut the 10 mg. Abilify in half, then take half. I have had restless sleep since then and greater fatigue in the daytime, leading to 1 hr. naps. I am very happy about the reduction, however. I decided to go ahead with my original plan, from 15 to 10 to 5 mg. to 0. Though the advice I've read suggests cutting back by between 2% and 20%, I decided to go on with my cutting back of 33% of the original dose. This is, in part, due to the ease with which you can do this. Abilify is available in 5 mg., 10 mg., and 15 mg., so there is no liquid titration involved, which is the method that must be used if one decides to reduce between 2% and 20%. So far, other than a little restless sleep and slight fatigue, I've had no real withdrawal pains. Onward!

a week's progress, a good site

I continued this past week meditation 1-2 times a day, 20 minutes at a time, affirmations, 2-3 times per day, gratitude list at night, and dream journal in the mornings.

past week's progress --

• medication: continued taking 10 mg Abilify in the morning
• sleep: average 10.6 hrs. a night
• exercise: walked 3 days, lifted weights 1 day. doubled walking time from 20 to 40 minutes
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 155 lbs.
• mood: ok all days, happy one day