bad memory

I had a bad memory two weeks ago. A sister phoned right after I had the bad memory. A big coincidence. As if she were "there" for me when she did not know it. Mom asked to talk with me. I told her I had a bad memory from when I was a little girl. She asked me what it was. I was not ready to tell her. Later, I realised that though I told her enough before that she could have asked what happened, she never had asked me what happened. I felt unnecessarily grateful for her merely, finally, asking me what happened. So, after that phone call with her, I wrote her an email, offering to tell her what happened. She declined, suggesting a therapist. Too much pain for her, she said. I told her I already have a therapist in the United States for when we return.

I joined SIA (Survivors of Incest Anonymous) following this.

• medication: 10 mg Aripiprazole a.m., 10 mg Aripiprazole before sleep
  
• sleep: average 11.2 hrs
• exercise: walked all days but two, situps, pushups, stair running
• diet: made certain to eat breakfast, ate more fruit and nuts
• weight: 154 lbs.
• mood: ok all mornings upon rising

still away

I have been away from the blog for awhile, not writing as said in a previous post. I am sorry for that. I will attempt to return as soon as possible. I am dealing with "family" problems.

Head (Brain) Trauma

My psychologist in Eastern Europe believes that I am currently called (labelled) "schizophrenic" due to a traumatic head injury.

The injury certainly caused me to be vulnerable in so many ways...I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have done some work regarding the PTSD.

My head was banged on the sidewalk over and over again in an assault (attempted murder...).

No matter how often I mentioned the traumatic head injury, psychiatrists ignored it.

Two doctors have admitted that the traumatic head injury is probably the cause of me being labelled "schizophrenic."

"Family" prefer the label. Former "family."

With Amino Acid Diet, Mice Improve After Brain Injury

"[Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is] the primary cause of death and disability in children and young adults...TBI also accounts for permanent diabilities in more than 5 million Americans."
--from preceding article

I am happy that I am alive--


For the past week:

• medicine: 10 milligrams Aripiprazole a.m.; 10 milligrams Aripiprazole, 5 milligrams Fleuphenazine, 2 milligrams "Cogentin" p.m. (decreased Fleuphenazine)
  
• diet: attempting to eat protein with every meal, fruit, about 3-4 meals/day
  
• exercise: situps and pushups
  
• mood: o.k. each morning upon rising
  
• weight: decided not to weigh my body
  
• sleep: did not record (11 hrs. one night)
  

Alcoholic family

"This is no war that will be won in my lifetime, but it is a winnable war. When people make a connection that there is no biogenetic code for serial killer or arsonist, that we make our own monsters – when people actually get that, it will be obvious to them that early intervention, early protection will pay enormous dividends. The kids that we miss don’t disappear; they end up in our criminal justice system or our mental health system.” --Andrew Vachss
(10-2009, an interview)



The above will be noticed more often in the future... Already people are noticing. The man quoted above notices, people who have seen that trauma(s) can lead a person into the "mental health system" have noticed...
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I attempted to run away from the house I came from at thirteen...someone ran after me, convincing me to return, not (as I'd planned) for my babysitting money and to leave forever, but to stay. Then, again, I attempted to stay away when I left formally at seventeen. Someone convinced me to return at the first "Holiday"...

After, I was unable to escape the Alcoholic "home" of my Father...

I had chances to leave forever, to "disappear" (while being searched for, of course)...I did not see the chance to leave forever as what I required, to live...

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I considered in the past week whether the word "Alcoholic" applies to me...I took a test at the "Alcoholics Anonymous" website:

Test to See if You are an Alcoholic

I did not answer "Yes" enough to be considered an Alcoholic.

I am currently reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

I read this book in the late eighties, early nineties. So, within this book is a list of traits I had then that made me a Codependent. Those same traits were described as "schizophrenia" or "schizoaffective." Those are the labels in my records.

Now, rereading the book, I can see how the traits changed over the past twenty years, some diminishing, some growing...The most difficult part of reading the book is deciding which traits I have today...(There are also exercises at the end of each chapter.)

I will discuss some realisations from re-reading the above book in a future post...

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I am returning to the format established in my first posts. I will keep records each week. For the past week:

• medicine: 10 milligrams Aripiprazole a.m.; 10 milligrams Aripiprazole, 5 milligrams Fleuphenazine, 2 milligrams "Cogentin" p.m. (decreased Fleuphenazine)
  
• diet: attempting to eat protein with every meal, fruit, about 3-4 meals/day
  
• exercise: situps and pushups
  
• mood: o.k. each morning upon rising
  
• weight: decided not to weigh my body
  
• sleep: 12 hrs. a night, average
  

until December...

I decided not to return to this blog until December. I am transitioning right now. I am writing each day, studying a new language, and have other aspects of my life to focus upon...I also want to reflect on my previous writings...Thank you for paying attention.

transitioning

Last week one night my husband woke me up again, tho I was asleep, then I took pills. I stayed awake after taking 20 milligrams Aripiprazole, 10 milligrams Fleuphenazine, 2 milligrams Benztropine Milate. All other nights last week I slept without waking.

My mood upon waking all other days was o.k. or good.

I xercised all days, as decided (by me), but two.

I am transitioning to a new city.

I am eating irregularly because I have been here for only a couple weeks. I will not weigh my body for awhile (7 more months).

"...Haldol, Prolixin [Fleuphenazine], and Risperdal...can cause permanent, severe impairments of brain function." (p. 27)

from Your Drug May Be Your Problem, by Peter R. Breggin, M.D., and David Cohen, Ph.D. (1999)

Cogentin -- Tardive Diskenesia

coming off Temazapam (a "benzo")...A little hyper: 30 milligrams of Apiprazole in a.m.; 10 milligrams Apiprazole in p.m.; 10 milligrams fluephenazine in p.m.; 2 milligrams Cogentin (benzotropine mesililite --) in p.m.
I fell asleep in early evening -- My busband woke me up to take aforementioned pills -- Now I cannot sleep...
I took the pills; got a little hyper--
Does Cogentin make a person hyper? The Apiprazole makes me hyper and tired, dizzy and faint in at the same time...It also leads to premature death if taken when a person is older (older than me).

I did/do not want to take cogentin at all!
I want Cogentin to be off the list of drugs to take...

I was put on Cogentin due to showing signs of tardive diskenesia

I never wanted to take cogentin

My husband woke me up two times this past week to take pills -- ironic -- they were given to me originally to put me into a sick, dreamless sleep.

raped

One night i was out with a male i went out with --i went back to his apartment with him -- we were in bed undressed. i thought we were going to have sex.--.

we were not...

he turned me over on my stomach. he pinned my hands (using wrists) down on his futon ...he somehow shoved my face into his pillow at the same time... ( i could not breathe..)
he then raped me.

GAIN 100 LBS. WITH ZYPREXA!

In 2000-2001, i was forced to go on ZYPREXA, in USSA. It was completely forced upon me by a doctor from another country. I did not want to take it. doctor had big drooling dog under desk, when she lied to me that it was only that i was eating too much food, not ZYPREXA. ZYPREXA, changed my metabolism, sent me from 105 lbs. - 208 lbs.

ZYPREXA : it is a known fact that ZYPREXA has side effects. My personal experience is that it caused me to go from a size 4 (USSA) to a size 16 (USSA). It is very expensive to change clothes sizes to such a big size, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and in other ways, as well.

There are size 0 women in USSA who don't have to take ZYPREXA.....I was told by someone who DECIDED the diagnosis given to me, "Your problem is that you were too skinny."

walk to little store

Today i go out to the little store to buy two cigarette boxes. Intended to stop smoking cigarettes in Mar, but(t) was not able. Will not attempt again anytime in near future. Still, that is ok. Three quarters thru Mar 2009, I had decided: meditate 5 min., 10 pushups, 20 situps, walk 20 minutes to start....my exercise and meditation idea was interrupted....

At end of Mar 2009, intended to stop smoking naturally...

Meant to begin bicycling end of Apr 2009....

doing okay

It's Sunday again. I'm doing okay. I started to "freewrite" for 5 minutes a day last Monday. I wound up writing something else a result, about the term "battered woman". I weigh 162 lbs. I didn't begin to walk, etc. last week. I am still taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning.


Mar 2009

back in europe

I returned to Europe on February 6, 2009. I was somewhat more overweight. I have since lost that weight and am now back down to 158 lbs. I have had a harder time adjusting to being back. I feel like I would like to be doing something more and have been researching what that may be. I have yet to begin walking, meditating and saying affirmations again. I plan to begin again on Monday. Most of the winter I had a bad cough which prevented the walking. I plan to walk 20 minutes, do situps and pushups and meditate beginning with 5 minutes a day. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings.

back in the "USSA"

It is good to be back in the USSA. I spent last night in O'Hare airport due to a canceled flight (snow). I am currently reading "Mad in America", a book that is shocking and enlightening to me, about which I will write more later. I am also reading "Skinny Bitch" which makes a good case for becoming not just vegetarian, but vegan. I had been considering returning to being a vegetarian when this book was passed on to me, but was ambivalent. Tonight I couldn't eat my meatball due to the impact of this book.

traveling

I am leaving today to return to the United States for two months. I am currently in Eastern Europe. I am not certain whether I'll be writing in my blog for those two months. Likely not, but possibly. I return on February 5. I plan to walk, meditate, and say affirmations while I am in the United States. I will be taking 5 mg. Abilify in the morning while there. I will be in Florida for the month of January. If my walking has gone well, I plan to run on the beach while in Florida. My sleeping in the last two weeks has decreased to between 8 and 9 hours a night, a big decrease from when I began this blog. My weight has increased to 158 lbs. I will attempt to lose 6 lbs. by January 1 (2 lbs a week). I am also considering giving up sugar and white flour at the New Year. Well, that's all for now.

smoking cigarettes

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I'd tried during the month of October to stop smoking. I have smoked almost continuously since I was 19 years old. That's 24 years of smoking. I want badly to stop, but apparently I'm more accustomed to my addiction.

I thought about what the causes of my smoking are during and after trying to stop and came up with some strange ideas as to why. I thought, perhaps, every time I breathe in the smoke, I'm breathing in my own anger. [I know today this is not true.] I did realise that I had been very angry since beginning to smoke more than 1/2 pack a day.

I saw the smoking as an expression of that anger directed at myself (also at those who love and care about me and would prefer that I not contract a life-threatening illness from the smoking). I realise that this is a bit of an odd conjecture, but it made some sense to me, so I attempted to reassess my smoking habit with this in mind.

In order to deal with this possible realisation, I looked up some info on anger and came up with two good sites. If you deal with anger as an issue perhaps they will be of use to you.

A Guide to Psychology and Its Practice: Anger

Overcome Anger and Aggression

This is merely a theory regarding my smoking cigarettes. I have another theory, as well, gleaned from the "How to Love Yourself" CD by Louise Hay which I recently acquired. (I do plan to discuss this CD further in a later post.) In it, at one point, Louise Hay says, "You don't have to earn love. You don't have to earn the right to breathe."

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I thought upon hearing this, how I am almost eagerly proving otherwise in my life by smoking cigarettes habitually. I am not allowing myself the right to breathe. I am making myself earn that right by the difficult act of stopping smoking.

Anger can come into play here, as there is the anger at feeling that one does have to "earn love" or "earn the right to breathe".

I want to attempt to overcome these issues and stop smoking. I think that understanding cause and effect can only be of assistance here.

Would anyone like to share their story of stopping smoking? Or of why they think they continue to smoke?
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Romantic Cigarettes

Cigarettes are o.k. Cigarettes are even beautiful. Cigarettes are. Cigarettes are romantic. Take one out and read a book, take one out and type, take one out and write!

Cigarettes can protect a female or a male from unwanted advances and/or incidents. My cigarette, my friend...

Smoke a romantic cigarette!

bad news for 'schizophrenics' and women smokers

There is bad news about the increased mortality rate for 'schizophrenics'. Who knows how much of this could be caused by the drugs administered...See Mortality Gap Seen In Schizophrenia

There is, also, possibly related (because many 'schizophrenics' smoke), bad news for women smokers. Lifespan decreases by over 14 years for women who smoke. See Women Smokers Lose 14.5 Years Off Lifespan

Sorry I don't have stats for male smokers.

I will be writing more about smoking soon, as someone who recently spent an entire month trying to stop smoking. I think that I learned some things about myself and smoking in the process.

you can heal your life by louise hay

Here are some videos of a presentation by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. The presentation, in twelve parts, is quite illuminating. I encourage you to do the exercises she suggests, which amount to writing things down on paper and using mirror work, as they can provide valuable insights into the way one thinks and behaves based on those thoughts and beliefs.

You Can Heal Your Life, Part I


From this video, you can find Part II - Part XII.

I went through these videos some months ago, before starting this blog. Now I am doing so again and finding that my issues and answers to questions have changed! A whole new set of information to work through. It is very interesting what one will come up with when answering the questions posed by Louise Hay. It may seem like a lot of work, but well worth it, I think.

a new genetic theory of schizophrenia

Here is an article discussing a new genetic theory regarding schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and autism. I think it is a good idea to keep abreast of the latest developments.

In a Novel Theory of Mental Disorders, Parent's Genes are in Competition

At the same time, you may wish to refer to a previous post of mine which questions genetic theory of schizophrenia. Objections to Genetic Theory of Schizophrenia

There are, of course, widely divergent ideas concerning genes and schizophrenia. In the absence of biological proof of what exactly 'schizophrenia' is, I tend to favor the "Objections", but still consider it wise to follow what those who believe in a clear genetic link are pursuing as 'proof'.

away from my blog

Hello. I've been away from my blog for over a month now, so wanted to check in and let you know what's been going on. I haven't been meditating or saying affirmations or exercising during this time. I have been keeping track of the hours I sleep and my weight. I am still on 5 mg. Abilify, taken in the mornings. My mood has been mostly okay. My sleep has ranged from an average of 10 hours a week to 11.7 hours a week. My weight has ranged from 146.7 lbs. to 154.7 lbs. I reached my goal weight for October 1 of 150 lbs. My weight last weekend was 150.2 lbs. My sleep average last week was 10 hours. I plan to start blogging again soon. I have some articles to share with you. During the month of October I was mostly trying to stop smoking. I tried to stop nearly every day and was unable, so this month I am just accepting that, for now, I am a smoker. October 1 was my goal for stopping smoking. Looking forward to sharing more with you in the coming months.

a week's progress

This past week I meditated and said affirmations three times.

• medication: continued taking 5 mg. Abilify
• sleep: average 11.7 hrs.
• exercise: walked two times
• diet: ate when hungry
• weight: 150.7 lbs.
• mood: ok all mornings upon rising